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Mr. A was what people might call a “playboy.”
He was not particularly handsome, but he was tall, sociable, financially comfortable thanks to his family, and had a stable career.
More than anything, he was passionate when it came to women. He was confident and direct, and whenever he met someone he liked, he would do whatever he could to pursue her.
Then one day, he came to me and said,
“Mr. Lee, I think it’s time for me to get married.”
“Have you ended things with all the women you’ve been seeing?”
“I’m going to stop living that way.”
“Then what kind of woman do you want to marry?”
His answer surprised me.
“A woman who hasn’t had much experience with men.”
“After you’ve dated so many women yourself?”
He laughed.
“That’s exactly why I want someone like that.”
I was taken aback.
“What kind of woman do you mean, specifically?”
“Someone who was raised well. Quiet, gentle, and not very experienced with men. I want a modest, well-brought-up woman.”
I thought he was asking for too much, especially considering his own past. But he was determined.
After I introduced him to several women, he finally met exactly the kind of woman he had been looking for.
She was quiet, proper, and reserved. She had little dating experience and had grown up in a conservative, respectable family.
She was, in his eyes, the ideal wife.
The two eventually married.
I remember thinking,
“Perhaps marriage will change him.”
But the real problems began after the wedding.
One day, he came to see me looking frustrated.
“Mr. Lee, married life is no fun at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t communicate with my wife.”
“Didn’t you know what she was like before you married her?”
“At the time, I liked that she was quiet. That was exactly what I wanted.”
“And now?”
“Now that we live together, I realize we’re completely different. We don’t share the same interests, and we hardly have anything to talk about.”
His wife was even more unhappy.
“I had no idea he was this kind of person before we got married.”
“What is the hardest part?”
“His whole way of thinking is different from mine. Sometimes I can’t understand him at all.”
In a sense, they had both married the kind of person they thought they wanted.
He wanted a gentle, quiet, modest woman.
She wanted a financially stable, confident, outgoing man.
On paper, neither seemed to be lacking anything.
But marriage is not lived on paper.
Once they began sharing their daily lives, their differences became impossible to ignore.
They had grown up differently. Their families were different. Their friends were different. Their interests were different. Even the things they enjoyed talking about were different.
Most importantly, their expectations about marriage and physical intimacy were very different.
The husband began to feel that their intimate life was increasingly dull and unfulfilling.
The wife, meanwhile, felt uncomfortable and burdened by some of her husband’s expectations and behavior in the bedroom.
What had once seemed like an attractive difference between them gradually became a source of conflict.
Eventually, the husband began going out again. He returned to his old habits, had affairs, and the marriage broke down.
They divorced.
Some time later, both remarried.
This time, the man married a woman who, like him, had dated widely and had broader life experience.
The woman remarried a more innocent, reserved man who had gone through emotional difficulties similar to her own.
There was something revealing about their choices.
In their first marriage, both had been drawn to qualities they themselves did not possess.
In their second marriages, they chose people who were more like themselves.
Before marriage, people often focus on visible qualifications: appearance, education, career, financial stability, and family background.
They also form an image of the person they believe they should marry.
“I could never marry someone like that.”
“This is exactly the kind of person I want.”
But after marriage, when two people begin sharing the same home and seeing each other every day, an entirely different set of questions becomes important.
Can we really talk to each other?
Are our lifestyles compatible?
Are we comfortable with each other physically and sexually?
Do we have similar attitudes toward money?
How do we handle disagreements?
Can we compromise when something we do hurts or bothers the other person?
Can we accept each other not just as dating partners, but as the people we will live beside every day?
Someone who seems perfect before marriage can turn out to be very difficult to live with.
And someone who seems ordinary at first can become more valuable and lovable with every year spent together.
That is what makes choosing a spouse so difficult.
Before marriage, we often search for the person who fits our ideal.
But marriage eventually asks a different question:
Not “Is this the person I wanted?” but “Is this the person I can truly build a life with?”
And that is something no profile, résumé, or checklist can fully tell you in advance.
